Whenever I hear a song that evokes a feeling or “vibe” that I want to put with a specific video project I save it into a folder. Pixel’s remix of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka came across my YouTube feed sometime around early 2019 and knew I wanted to save it for my reel. Here’s a look into why this project took me so long to create.
I’m far too into melodrama and easily fall into deep conversations of symbolism day after day. This year, 2020, I turn 30 on Friday, November 27th and there are so many emotions that have been running through my head. Although it shouldn’t, a lot of it has to do with age and expectations that I had for myself and expectations I’ve grown to believe that others had for me in regards to my career. Just like anyone else’s journey, I’ve had many bumps and have spent an undesirable amount of time, in my opinion about my own journey, figuring out a lot of what I don’t want and where I don’t want to be. Though I appreciate the lessons learned and am aware of their significance, I can’t seem to shake this saturated illusion of what types of successes I should have achieved by age 30, regardless of how many times I’ve heard “You’re still so young.”
I have yet again reached another career shift and I’ve been burning to work on my website, but I’ve been experiencing this odd resistance even though now (with Covid-19 amidst us) is the perfect time to be working on it. Not to mention, I moved out to Los Angeles to attempt to dive into the production field once again. I’m still working on finishing my Masters degree and I feel (presumptuously, I recognize) like the world has been put on pause and I need to take advantage of it. I’m in the freaken Fertile Crescent of the field I want to be in and the world is saying, “Hey, don’t worry! Nothing is going on right now so just hurry up and finish your shit. Get it together by the time we’re back in action.”
Needless to say, I’m neck deep in the imposter syndrome phase. My intentions are for this website to both be used as a personal blog, but also to give my audience a peek into the foundation of my artistry. I know that I’m struggling to find a label for exactly what profession I want to claim. Amongst the brain dump there is creative director, producer, video editor, etc. Since I have yet to make a decision about exactly where I want to go, I struggle with announcing that this website is some sort of “Professional Portfolio”.
Do I think that it is showcases my past art pieces? Yes.
Does it provide an outline of my creation approach and direction? It will soon.
Does it give my audience transparency into my thought process and individual voice? Yes.
Is it low-key an ode to myself to help me accept that I am a deserving and talented creative? Painfully so, I admit.
Does it solidify success or failure? No and I need to believe that.
Does it show that I am still and will always be growing? I hope so.
Does it show that I can take initiative and work my ass off for something I’m really passionate about? I damn sure hope so!
Now all that’s left is to make it happen.